Phil’s Monsters

 Ever notice how people say friendship is a two-way street, but nobody mentions it's also a fucking highway to hell paved with the corpses of good intentions? That's because humans are fundamentally deranged creatures who construct elaborate façades of connection while plotting each other's emotional murders. Today's pitiful exhibit: two supposed "friends" of twenty years destroying their relationship faster than Netflix cancels a show with actual substance. Hi everyone. I (29F) recently went on a roadtrip with my friend (30F) of over 20 years. While only 2 days into a 10 day trip, we got into a fight. We spent the night apart but ended up making up the next day and decided together to continue and try to communicate better. Shortly after we made up though, I asked her if I could take a nap in the car while she did some driving toward our next destination. She said no problem. When I woke up, I noticed we were not going in the right direction. We were ...

 Ever notice how some parents treat their adult son's girlfriend like an unpaid project manager for their failed parenting? There she stands, this 23-year-old woman, making more money than her boyfriend, yet somehow expected to wipe his metaphorical ass because mommy and daddy can't cut the fucking umbilical cord. What we're witnessing isn't a relationship—it's an elaborate transfer of ownership disguised as love, a cosmic joke playing out on the stage of suburban mediocrity where nobody gets the punchline except the universe itself, which is laughing so hard it's pissing dark matter. I (23F) have been dating my boyfriend Josh (29M) for 2 years. We live together as well. Recently, his parents have started asking me to get him to do things. "Make sure Josh goes to the dentist for his cracked tooth," or "Make sure Josh updates his passport," or "Make sure Josh changes his pet food for his cat. We don't like the brand," or ...

 Ever notice how parents think they own the air around your head? Like somehow the follicles sprouting from your scalp are communal property regulated by the household dictator? There's something profoundly fucking absurd about a grown man having an existential meltdown over unrestrained curls, as if loose hair represents the collapse of Western civilization. It's almost beautiful in its meaninglessness – this microscopic power struggle playing out against the backdrop of a universe hurtling toward heat death, where neither ponytails nor pixie cuts will save a single soul from the void. For most of my (22F) life, I kept a pixie cut. Not because I wanted to but because I was a professional athlete. With intense training schedules, competitions, and barely any time for myself, short hair was the only thing I could manage. On top of that, I have extremely curly, wavy hair that takes a lot of care. Recently, I left the sport. I'm in my final semester of college now, no lo...

 Ever notice how people build these elaborate fantasy castles around their relationships? They're like those poor souls on Hoarders, except instead of collecting newspapers and cat skeletons, they hoard bad decisions and call it "love." I was scrolling through this story about a girl named Anna—bright, promising future engineer with a golden ticket to the Wonka factory of higher education—and wouldn't you know it, she's ready to flush it all down the toilet because some local boy with all the ambition of a house plant threatened to stop texting her. The universe doesn't care about your relationship status, sweetheart, but it does keep score of your monumentally stupid decisions. Please help because I feel like I am watching my sister throw her life away. I am 23F and my sister, Anna, is 18F. Anna is a senior in high school and has always been a really great student, smart, passionate, etc. She's on her school's robotics team and wants to study eng...

 Have you ever noticed how people with disabilities are expected to apologize for merely existing in the same space as the supposedly "normal" folks? It's like watching a cosmic joke unfold where the punchline is always humanity's boundless capacity for being absolute dickheads. There's something profoundly disturbing about a world where a person with Tourette's is expected to say "sorry" for involuntary neural misfirings while billionaires never apologize for systematically dismantling the planet. The audacity of ordinary mediocrity demanding contrition from those navigating life with additional challenges is the kind of moral theater that makes you wonder if perhaps the void isn't looking back at us after all—it's just too fucking embarrassed. I have Tourette's. Whenever I meet someone new, I say the same thing: "Please don't mind if I twitch and say or shout random things. I have Tourette's." It's the first t...

 Ever notice how weddings are just elaborate social experiments designed to reveal which relatives secretly hate each other? Like some twisted laboratory where familial bonds are stretched to their breaking point under the fluorescent light of forced tradition. What we have here, folks, is the perfect microcosm of humanity's eternal delusion – the belief that celebration requires collective suffering, preferably in color-coordinated outfits. My (31M) wife (29F) and I have been married for less than a year. Her sister is getting married in the upcoming weeks, and the whole thing is a full weekend out-of-town event Friday through Sunday. At first, I was on board. I figured it would be a nice trip, and I'd be spending time with family, meeting some new people, and celebrating. But as plans started coming together, I realized I'm not actually invited to anything except the wedding ceremony and reception. The women are doing spa days, nails, brunches, all that stuff. And a...